Giving & Receiving

I was trying to explain why I am so allergic to asking for help.  "I don't like inconveniencing other people, and that's been especially apparent in planning the wedding.  I cringe when I ask for help."

Her response stung with truth.  "It sounds like you don't believe that people might actually want to help you, but rather that you're forcing people to do something out of obligation."

I'd never say "Oh, thanks for your offer, but I don't actually believe that you're genuine." in the face of someone offering to help, yet when I study my true reasoning, that's more often than not my working logic.  What an ugly judgment for me to make!  That's offensive and wrong in me.

Life is so simple when I'm self-sufficient, when I can totally manage problems on my own.  My favorite way to interact with people is when I'm problem-less and can be freed up to help other people undistracted.  Somehow though, it doesn't seem like the Lord had that paradigm in mind when He designed community.

The Lord is opening my eyes to the ugliness of not receiving and giving equally.  I become calcified high up away from everyone when I don't share what's hard or ask for help.  And my plan to help as many people as I can backfires as people realize that I'm not going to open up and I lose their trust.

Here's a more accurate logic that I'd like to adopt:

• The Lord loves me and anyone I interact with oceans and oceans deep.
• He eagerly wants to bless us. 
• He's designed community so He can bless us by working through other people. 
• I'm receptive to the Lord's blessing when I talk about what hurts or ask for help.
• When I'm open, I create a safe environment to spur someone else to share what hurts too.  
• Then we can be the hands and feet of Jesus to each other to encourage and help. 
• That blesses both of us as we both receive and give. 
• So I'm blessed by the Lord more, and so is someone else. 

Jesus, I pray You'd straighten out this twistedness in me.  Please plant this better logic in me, and may it grow up into a healthy tree that I can sit under the rest of my life.  No more of this ugly apart-ness.  You're the only One with no weakness.  When I'm too scared to receive, You're the One I'm rejecting.  I pray I could see through these opportunities to You.  You're behind each one, eagerly excited to help.  I want that Lord.  I'm sorry I've been so blind.  Thanks for Your patience with me.  Thanks for showing me this truth today.