Assertiveness

I recently read this little book called Speak Up: Christian Assertiveness and it's redefined my entire thinking for how to behave in front of people.  Today I need to relearn some of the truths, so hopefully we can all be learning together.  Here are some of the treasures I've picked up from it.  Hopefully they bless you even a hint of how much they've blessed me.

• Assertiveness is acting based on weighing your thoughts and wants and the other person's equally.  It walks the perfect line between being passive and being aggressive. 
• Jesus was very assertive.  It's not a mark of righteousness to be passive.  Doormats aren't Christlike.
• When you don't talk about something that bothers you, most of the time you're unknowingly hurting whoever's affected even when you're trying to protect them.  Oftentimes you start to punish them by behaving in a confusing way that both you and them aren't controlling.
• Being pressured into saying yes is oftentimes worse for the other person too.
• Life happens in the hard stuff.  Those who don't share about their lives on a deep level with people are like players who sit on the bench.  Ultimately bench sitters don't play the game. 
• Aggressiveness is acting based on your own feelings alone, and that's never the goal.  Subtle aggression expresses anger unclearly or in a backhanded way to someone.  That's never the goal.  I shouldn't have ulterior motives in what I say beyond the obvious.
• Assertiveness is a risk of faith. 
• Sometimes it's hard to decipher what my thoughts and feelings are, and it's more confusing still when I know that my feelings don't seem right.  Oftentimes that's because there's a flaw in my self-talk (the arguments I make to myself about anything).  We improve our relationships, behavior and future when we closely monitor the logic our self-talk.  Good self-talk keeps God in the picture and solves problems creatively and hopefully. 
• Our body gives stress signals (clenched hands, tense shoulders, crying, etc.) pointing to an emotion that clue us in that something's wrong.  Everyone's signals are different and it's helpful to be watching for them.
• This sentence is the bread and butter for jumping from passiveness to assertiveness:  "When ___, I feel ____.  I'd like ____."   What an effective tool to bring someone else into our heart and mind.
• Having trouble asking for help at an appropriate time is a mark that I'm not behaving assertively.  A correct request is concise, direct and pleasant, fully giving the other person the freedom to say yes or no.
• Escape is a terrible conflict method.  
• Solve problems by 1. looking inward to see how I add to the problem, 2. using 'I messages' where the statements are subjected around me, 3. summarizing the problem, 4. brainstorming potential solutions, and then 5. evaluating and implementing. 

I am growing to love these truths because I see how they've already directly blessed me again and again.  May they be the same for you :).